today was an okay day ...less tears... last night i couldn't sleep much i just kept thinking he was there with me i know that sounds weird trust me i know ...but it doesn't help that im addicted to those ghost shows ...so i cant help but wonder what if he is here ..what would he say to me? what would he do ? would i be able to smell his baby smell?..... .its truly a weird feeling me and joe are doing alot better trying to work more as a team ...more then ever before we are so grateful for each other ...weve relized that you really shouldnt sweat the small stuff ....its a waist of time . the funeral home called today to let us know that we could pick devyn up (i know that sounds wierd) but thats how joe said it ...we actually got a little excited but then remembered he really isnt coming home ...its so hard to grasp that our baby isnt coming home ....its unreal like ive said before its like were living in a dream and we cant wake up ...im trying so hard to keep it together for my kids and for joe but each day i feel weaker like a wall is coming down ...its not really a good feeling because i feel like im falling apart slowly. but i guess any emotion is good emotion . its so funny to me that my family used to call me supermom ....havent heard that recently ...not that i expected it ...shouldnt a supermom have super powers? i want them so i can bring him back just one more time just so i can tell him that i was sorry for not pertecting him ...and that i love him so much ....so so much i just miss him ...i wish i could say that i dont feel the blame but i do ...it was my job ...what the hell? omg i wish i could just scream i feel so many things my body is in over load ...i know that this probably makes no since at all ...i just needed to get it out
thanks for listening
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It's not your fault Nikki, God had a plan for the sweet baby.
ReplyDeleteNikki,
ReplyDeleteYour emotions will be all over the place for a while. This is all normal. Wanting to scream is realistic. Find a spot where you can do it. or better yet tell Joe that you need to do it then let him hold you while you decompress. Then be there for him as well.
Honey, you don't say whether you knew the old man who spoke to youwhile shopping. If he was a perfect stranger, then he was an angel speaking to you. Letting you know that Devyn is ok. How is Joey doing? You don't have to be super Mom You can be normal Mom who is greiving and will be a long time. Your Meme is a good person to be around when you want to scream, come up to their house and go out back where you can overlook the wet lands and scream. Honey, you are loved and you are a good Mother. You are in my prayers.